Numb
Derived of feeling. Power. Physical sensation. Responsiveness.
Numb
Me breathing deeply under the ceiling fan.
I’ve been numb lately. This is no news to people around me. I suppose it’s no news for people like me in the christian community.
So unless you’re living under a rock, the news of Nipsey Hussle’s death is making waves. Lot of conspiracies and clout chasing, but the fact is a man was murdered.
I didn’t know him. Never heard any of his songs but I’m hurt. That someone took the power into his hands and took his life, for whatever reason. Same way, I’m hurt that I don’t understand how this life thing works. Nothing is set in stone. There’s no formula. The race is not to the swift. The path is full of twists and turns. So much it sometimes bursts out our bodies in sighs of helplessness and indifference.
Numb.
I’ve been staring at my ceiling fan a lot lately. Mostly i get lost in the spinning, and my mind wanders off through the waves of whatever is going on in my life. My mind decides to take a state of my nation address; calibrating issues by success and failure standards, based on whatever values I’ve convinced myself I stand for.
My mind wanders till I have no idea of what I’m thinking about. But my breath never changes. In and out, up and down… it never stops. Never ceases. Thankfully.
Numb.
I suppose life has pushed all of us in this corner before. The corner of caving in, restless and still. Not because you’re happy but because you just feel helpless. Numb. Still. Indifferent. Just like staring at a ceiling fan.
Life is confusing. It’s never been a straight line. The bible is full of examples of people who traced haphazard mazes called life. The Abrahams and Lots. The Rahabs and Marys. But somehow, we believe ours should be straight because maybe our neighbors lives look straight. And we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.
We carry our mistakes and burdens. We hold worry close like it’s our second heart and demand our bodies to walk our lives in a straight line.
When i feel this way, when i visit this corner.. i feel it with my entire being. I sit in it, and allow myself to admit that i do feel the weight. I admit that I dislike the chaos in my life causing me to be numb. I allow myself to feel it. And it expresses itself in tears. Yes. I cry and cry and cry until the tears turn to prayers.
I picture myself laying at the foot of the cross. I picture myself spinning from the chaos unto the feet of Jesus. It’s just an imagination but I believe it with all my heart that He hears. And I believe He just comes to sit with me. He comforts me. He wraps His arms around me.
The fan still spins. The chaos still exists. The power to feel may be absent. But numbness I hope, should drive you to Jesus.
Not for blessings or to present your ‘righteousness’; just to allow Him to come sit with you. No questions, no answers. Just His presence.
You should try it. Next time you’re numb, dear young Millenial Christian.
~ sheyla.
