Addicted

Oh God!!
If you get me out of this one more time!!
Please!
I won’t do it again
This is the last time!
I will change!
I just need this one more chance.
Cleanse me with the blood
Forgive me again. In advance.

I will put on an extra deep gospel song
The old hymnals
I’ll read a whole chapter instead of my one verse study
I’ll go to rehearsal on time & fully present
I’ll even find myself in a community of like minds
When you see Dworthy and friends- mark me
Present!

I’m just so tired of these sinful reins
I thought tasha helped me break these chains
Cobbled my weakness
Harnessed my spiritual coldness.
Please!
I’ll be better just help me!
One more time!

In Jesus Name
Amen with my heart and God’s intertwined.
If i cried hard enough and spoke in the latest upgrade of tongues
If i compensated hard enough
And believed the Blood really erased my cuffs.
IF I BECOME GOOD ENOUGH…this time

Then..
Silently. Slowly. I’ll get back
I’ll hear the Hallelujah again
John will come visit me again
he must think I’m not a serious Christian
Only calling for 1:9.

But no! I’m only deep. Soo deep in
Addiction!
Addiction!
If only i could go back to the beginning
Excuse
If only i hadn’t met him
Blame
It’s an effect of my environment
Denial
If i serve God more
Self-righteous compensation
This is the yoke i carry
The sin that so easily besets me
The bane in my flesh
The nemesis to my heaven entry
Over and over and over
Round and round and round
I find myself stuck in this cycle
No matter how many great strides i make
I always get back to this place
And as I’m speaking,!
your mind is wondering which sin sheyla must be bound to
To keep from thinking on yours
Deflection!

That i may know Him,
And the power of His resurrection
Uhmm
You sure about these words?
What a terrible statement to your flesh
Practically calling for a soul infection.

You know, i like to be honest
If I’m here to talk to you about Jesus
There’s no need to be politically correct.
Oh what a scary task it is, to speak on behalf of Jesus
In a crooked and perverse generation.
Wait hold up

In a crooked and perverse me,
What a paradox that You choose me.
Like a king born in a manger
Why become alive in me, a dead sinner.

Here’s a question,
If i keep falling in sin
Why won’t you let me go
Why do you keep on holding on to me
Why do you let me face the guilt of my inadequacy
I’m so tired of failing and falling into patterns.

What is in front of me?
What did you place inside of me that you make so much demand of?
What??
Why do you wake me up to pray
Why do you scare me with dreams and trouble
Why are you sooo loud
Why are you soo visible!!
When you know I’m weak
When you know I don’t follow through
When you know my weaknesses

Tis the life of a person who has really met Jesus.
Ohh their souls have been battered enough
Their spirits yearning long and hard for something else
Many have been walking around dead and alive and dead again
Many have been living with their spirits wandering
Many have been questioning the existence

The mindset that you can make it without God is true, but choose Him.
It’s even better because when He baits with His love and trails us with His Hand in our lives by way of miracles, answered prayers, plot twists and turns.
But we all get to the crossroad. We all get to golgotha.
He is always placed in the middle,
Where we can be the left or right thief
He in the middle, sinless but present with us.
Having walked our walk.
Having been with you in your lowest moment
He offers Himself to be chosen
Choose Me
He says, not presenting Himself as a knight in shining armour
But a look alike sinner with light, hope, peace and the rest our souls will always search for.

It’s not about the sin but the absence of the mindset of why God is better.
Whatever addiction it is, is merely a substrate of something deeper
And until we find why God is better
We will keep asking for forgiveness
and keep going back
With no real work
Only time passes
Keep emptying the room for bigger demons

It’s not about hard work but love work.

You can’t stay with someone you don’t love for long
And you can’t love someone you don’t know

I find..
there’s an unlearning as You reveal yourself.
There’s a desire shift as we fall in love with the person of you.
As we rehearse your presence
We hear your beautiful voice
And study your behavior in our closets and lives.

In your presence, a hundred billion failures disappear.
Because unlike the thief on the right, it’s not about our self righteousness
It’s that no matter how left or wrong we are
So long as we keep gazing
We keep loving
We stay close
We too will be like you.
Skin battered but blessed
Bleeding but changed
Dying, but resurrecting
Saved! Because we kept looking unto you.

Oh God!!
Please forgive me
As many times as I come.
Because i’ll keep gazing
I’ll keep coming
I’ll keep searching
I’ll keep staying close

And one day,
When we meet in heaven
I’ll know,
My feet may have been bound
But i have always been FREE!!!
-sheyla