It’s 3am and I’m up crying
Reminiscing and contemplating on just how many times my heart can take a beating from love.
It sucks you know.. they say time will heal all wounds but your mind has a way of never letting your heart forget just how many times it has bled for love.
Nevermind the resolution of moving on..
For moving on time after time really sounds like this is home. Hurt is familiar so much you’re never really far away from it.
Sucks honestly.
All around me are stories of painful hearts which finally touched the right side of Cupid and got their fairytale..
They mostly attribute it to God but I honestly don’t know how I feel about that
Does God really choose for you?
Does God really have someone specifically picked for you like He did with the animals in Noah’s ark?
I’m honestly conflicted because of a couple of conflicting prophecies so let’s leave that for another day.
I’m just really sad you know…
That once again, my heart isn’t sitting quite right in a place my mind tells me it’s happy with.
The signs are all over;
The almost commitment
Barage of excuses for not almost doing the basic needful
Endless explanations for phonecalls at funny hours
Picking out flaws about everyone else in my life but themselves..
The not exactly disrespect but not quite respectful jovial words thrown around
The lightness of the weight of promises and commitments
The list goes on,
And I recently heard, you have to leave for you..
Do what makes you happy..
But does being alone really make someone happy?
With no form of companionship or what we call rebound?
Like sole solitude won’t remind your heart of the past?
I honestly don’t know and maybe that’s what these tears are also trying to figure out
More than twice is honestly enough and you’d think my heart would’ve learnt to crawl a little longer before falling.
Sigh*
Maybe it is true
To love your neighbour as yourself
To love yourself with as much passion as you give your neighbour
No wonder it states to love God first with all of the heart.. and mind
Because in that is the true meaning of opening up and sitting in the lowest state of your being…
Somewhat seeing light shine in the darkest state of your deepest self will spark a light in your mind on just how VALUABLE you are
It becomes deeper than siting a few positives about your personality, sitting in that truth and calling it self love
Because that waivers… you will shock your own self with your inconsistency and flaws…
But when God reveals your true value in His eyes… that is unshakeable..
The knowledge of an ever open arms ready to embrace whatever prodigal form you express..
That translates in a kind of selflove that is forgiving and patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs
And guess what…
You can then transfer that light to your neighbour.
Never mock a Christian who seems to be a doormat.. for blessed are the meek.
Understanding the power to offer your ‘self’ to be stomped on in the name of love and peace…
Well… that’s very Christlike
It can’t be faked…
It’s a fruit that is borne out of relationship with it’s progenitor.
So it’s still 3am and somehow my soul is calm..
These stories are really not for me…
They are for another hurting soul at 3am
Somewhere…..
awaiting an act of love…